A group of scientists working in the Bovril group at the University of Oxford have unearthed evidence that Darwin's mantle of "survival of the fittest" no longer holds as true in today's society.
Following a survey of over 3,000 fitness experts, personal trainers and obese members of the public, the evidence suggests that fat/obese people have the longest and most fulfilling lives. This has led to Darwinist outrage, contravening the golden rule of evolution. A shocked Darwinist declared "I am utterly shocked", before sounding a hunting trumpet and releasing the hounds on their latest fat people hunt.
The survey was conducted after several fitness trainers in the Croydon area went missing. Although missing people in Croydon is no unusual occurrence, the expensive trainers were left at the scene.
The early demise of fitness trainers has been explained via several different scenarios. Firstly, the increased fibre in their diets can cause an increase in various cancers of the digestive system. Secondly, the increased strain on the heart, caused by daily strenuous exercise, can bring on early heart attacks and strokes. Thirdly, obese people continue to eat them.
Scientific sceptics have, as usual, been sceptical about the authenticity of the study and have called for an eating armistice to save the remaining population of health and fitness staff. David Cameron, however, has heralded the deficit as a major employment opportunity for many of the unemployed. "The transferable skills of out of work traffic wardens could easily be converted to good use in a gym," the prime minister announced, as he continued to set fire to a tramp.
All in all, the research conducted has confirmed the idea that Darwin's rules of survival no longer apply to human beings. "The fatter the better!" said spokesperson Rolly McPolly, head of the Fat Pride Society. "It goes to prove that all us fat people are jolly".