Ed Miliband has admitted at the end of Labour Party Conference that holding it in Liverpool had been a bad idea.
"We'd always assumed that the image of Liverpudlians as thieving scoundrels who'd sell their granny's cardigan in winter was nothing more than a tired old clichéd stereotype perpetuated by comedians who have run out of material," said Ed Miliband. "Turns out it is."
"Not," he added after a moment of waiting, having been told about comic timing and not really understanding it.
"Ed Balls had his ball stolen by some youths as he was walking to the conference," said Miliband. "He's now known as Ed S."
According to the Labour Party leader, Shadow Chief Secretary Angela Eagles, and her sister, Shadow Transport Minister, Maria, have had their eggs stolen, while Harriet Harman was found propped up on bricks. The Shadow Chancellor, Sadiq Khan was mugged, and badly injured so is henceforth known as Sadiq Kant.
The Eagles are actually from Liverpool, and not Los Angeles as previously claimed in their song Hotel California.
"The thefts from the conference are not from Liverpudlians, I'm sure," said Maria Eagles.
"We believe that they are from Blackpool," said Angela. "The residents are upset that the real 'Pool took the conference away from them."
"That's the only theft here," added Maria. "And it's upset the Blackpuddings enough to try and discredit Liverpool."
"Whoever was responsible," said Ed Miliband. "I'm sure the policeman left in Liverpool after the budget cuts will look into it when he gets some time in his very busy schedule. And on the bright side, it's given me some new material for my stand up career. I'm doing the Edinburgh Fringe next year given how well my opening joke went down this year. I wrote it myself you know."