Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 1 October 2011

image for Is the heatwave is a cynical conspiracy against soaring energy bills?
Sun spots: someone's turning up the heat on the Tory Party

London - A hush-hush meeting of UK energy providers has warned that draconian tariff increases in householders' heating bills are being deliberately thwarted by freakish weather conditions.

Price increases of up to 19% had been targetted for the annual mid-September rush to turn on the central heating which now looks to be postponed indefinitely.

The move sees worried industry forecasters starting to question if traditional get-them-to-turn-up-the-thermostat scare stories - such as the Daily Mail's armageddonish 'Council ice gritters on standby for coldest, earliest winter since 1509' - are to blame for the sudden return to summer weather.

"If these appalling tropical conditions continue we'll all be seriously f***ed," the head of customer relations at British Gasbags said today.

Meanwhile Met Office weathermen are advising the current heatwave may only subside by a few degrees next week after the Conservative Party Conference.

"Someone's turning up the heat on the Tory Party, heheh," former BBC weather forecaster Michael Fish's optician said today.

"Wanna see sunspot pix of George Osborne's brain?"

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