His Holiness Pope Benedict, while attempting his first lap of the Top Gear circuit, has been stolen. The theft came to light when producers noticed the red Kia C'eed had failed to complete the lap two hours after passing the Hammerhead.
Surrey Police were then called when when security cameras at the Top Gear track noticed a flatbed Ford Transit being driven by a seven foot ape with white fur and a woman with a strong Geordie accent who is thought to have been an accomplice.
The ape was later identified as Mr Yeti, a former lecturer at Kings College and failed asylum seeker from Tibet, who was last seen in an ape-fighting bout in Basildon. It is thought the pontiff will appear on eBay within a week.
The Rt Honourable dyslexic minister without portfolio, tie or sense of direction, Jeremy Knut, has condemned the theft as "snesless" and has called all those involved: "aminals who deserve a damn good crick in the blockocks." Police officer who have not already been stolen had appealed for the Pope's immediate return.