Written by Skoob1999
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Tuesday, 27 September 2011

image for Local Man To Buy A Bigger Hat
You Wanna Hat? I Got Lotsa Hats - All Sizes.

Following the runaway success of his promotional video for The Dorking Review, which he posted on YouTube, local man, Martin Shuttlecock is reputed to be considering buying a new hat. Sources close to Shuttlecock state that his new found internet fame has caused his head to swell up to massive potato like proportions.

"He's been insufferable since he made those clips," a work colleague told Skoob News. "He swans around here like Lord bleedin' Muck. He's even started using an ivory cigarette holder for his roll ups, and sniffing his pint of Stella for the 'bouquet.' I wouldn't mind, but the sodding clips only got about a dozen hits - most of them coming from people who hate his guts."

It seems that these days, when Shuttlecock goes up the supermarket for his cut-price Stella, if there's a queue at the checkout, he badgers the staff for an upholstered seat to sit and wait on,, and that he's even gone so far as carrying a roll of red carpet around with him, which he rolls out along the station platform as he puts his pushbike on board.

Apparently, the trouble started when Shuttlecock was minimally featured in The Dorking Review, and it just escalated from there. Shuttlecock himself has apparently stated with some confidence that Hollywood would be the next logical step, preferably starring in a rom-com with Keira Knightley.

"I'll give him fucking rom-com!" long suffering wife, Anne, blurted out when she heard the news whilst at work. "In fact, I'll give him more than that! I wonder how he'd feel about a running kick up the bollocks? The big headed, egomaniacal bastard!"

Local hat shop proprietor, Johnny Bullwinkle, confirmed earlier that Shuttlecock had made enquiries regarding the purchase of a fedora, or a shiny top hat, allegedly stating that the old pork pie hat was getting a bit tight round the napper.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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