Police in Geneva announced today that the thieves who stole the Large Hadron Collider from an underground chamber in Switzerland have contacted CERN to ask for an instruction manual.
They say they are unable to set the 24-hour clock, operate the pre-record function or find the USB socket. They say the toaster is working properly. Detectives believe the Collider is now running on battery back-up only as they have also been asked for the mains charger to be sent by recorded delivery in addition to a catalogue showing the accessories, hands-free kit and the attractive range of water-resistant sport cases.
Police have refused to comment on the theft of sixty three thousand Duracell batteries from petrol stations near the Dale Farm site in Basildon, although they stress that they are keeping an open mind.