We are all very sad to hear that Deputy Prime Minister Clegg's piles are bleeding again. We heard it on the grapevine, please pardon the pun. The problem, which began during his public school days, has returned with a vengeance.
The painful expression on his face at the party conference was not caused when he was forced by the party faithful to pledge another thirty three million pounds of taxpayers money to educate foreign females abroad. It was those damned awful piles slipping down his rectal passage and itching like hell.
His marriage to David Cameron at Westminster Abbey is to be postponed until after surgery to remove the little blighters once and for all.
In his very own words. "Consummation would have been bloody painful and rather messy."
The surgery will take place at Dr Herman H. Clitterman's clinic, somewhere off the Edgware Road and will be paid for out of party funds as a gesture of goodwill by his adoring fans.