Statistics from the Royal Freak Hospital published today show everybody 'except the Duke of Gloucester and his family' are on the chemical cosh after massive misbehaviour issues.
And latest recruit to the Nazi tribe Kate Middleton is thought to be 'more likely to develop rabies than get pregnant' according to UK Fraud Squad sources in charge of surveillance.
Last week a Sunday broadsheet published a picture of Kate complete with two inches of grey hair regrowth that Lady Grecian failed to camouflage.
Apparently life in backwater Anglesey has become a tad tedious amid constant domestic drudgery duties 'like washing William's smalls'.
"She's even more bonkers than after her original 2000 wedding to UK Chancellor George Osborne," a Royal Protection racket source said today.
Meanwhile in London Prince Philip remains under section requiring monthly clozapine jabs to stop him reverting to his max axeman tendencies.
Hideous bald gargoyle Queen Elizabeth is bi-polar and has her largactil topped up while safely sedated.
Charles and Camilla have long since ditched their methadone scrip and are back on street-raw skag 'just like in the good old daze' (sic).
Princess Anus, Prince Andrew and brain-dead baldy the Earl of Wessex remain borderline personalities and have refused more treatment for addiction to crack
Lesser wannabes and junior hasbeens like Wills, Harry and their so-called cousins Bea, Eugenie, Zara, Peter Philips etc are all on a variety of anti-convulsants.
Medics have long ago diagnosed them as suffering delusions of grandeur which is unfortunately untreatable 'apart from a recommended 30 year stretch at HMP Belmarsh'.
The Duke of K*nt is daft as a brush.