Written by Nick Hobbs
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Topics: Death, Satellites, luck

Sunday, 25 September 2011

image for World's Unluckiest Man Killed By Falling Satellite
"Look out below....."

Ned Tremble, the world's unluckiest man, was sadly killed yesterday by a falling satellite, in what appeared to be the final insult to a life of hardship.

Tremble achieved official 'unluckiest' status four years ago, after a string of mishaps, unfortunate occurrences and many 'incidents' peppered his life, throughout his 58 years on this planet.

From a young age Tremble was renowned as someone to steer clear of. His primary school headmistress, a Miss Habgood, said in an interview from 1988 "Ned was always breaking things. He only had to pick a pencil up and it would snap, half of which would pierce his hand."

"Or he would be out in the playground and get his head jammed in the railings, or his foot stuck in a drain. It was a real nightmare trying to keep him safe and unharmed."

Throughout his teenage years Tremble was to have no luck with girls either. He remained single throughout, and was also picked on by his male peers. Often considered to be of no importance by the female species, and always overlooked for any sporting event by his friends, Tremble remained surprisingly upbeat.

He failed his exams and was destined to be a dole scrounger. But his luck seemingly changed one night in a pub, when Tremble bumped in to a businessman from the US. After chatting for hours, and striking up a very good rapport, Tremble was given the chance of a dream job and a new life in the USA, with full housing and vehicular privileges.

However, he missed out on his place when his alarm failed to go off and he missed the flight. His new business 'friend' deciding that Tremble was 'shaky' and 'disorganised', and consequently cancelled his contract.

Now homeless and jobless, having given up his house to facilitate his move to the US, Tremble took to sleeping on a park bench.

Two weeks later the park was closed, and turned in to affordable housing.

He drifted from job to job, but never found his true vocation in life. He narrowly missed winning the lottery in 2004, only losing out by six numbers. He famously found 40 million pesetas whilst on holiday in Spain in April 2002, the day after the peseta lost it's legal tender status and could no longer be exchanged to the euro.

More heartache followed when his pet dog Sparkle ran away to his neighbours house, refusing to come back, his car was repossessed and his hair began receding at a rapid rate.

But the final insult came when Tremble was merely watering his beloved hanging baskets.

Investigators say that the screws holding the bracket that Trembles satellite dish was attached to, were of 'inferior quality' and 'not fit for purpose', leaving the dish as a potential death-trap and an accident waiting to happen.

As he watered his baskets the bracket finally gave, and the satellite dish came crashing down on Trembles head, killing him instantly.

His neighbour told us "it's a real shame. Ned was a lovely bloke, but nothing ever went right for him. He didn't deserve that. It's quite unfair really, and a bit strange."

"It was only yesterday, we were talking about that NASA satellite falling to Earth, and old Ned said 'I bet that bugger'll land on me, just my luck', who'd have thought, eh? He was so nearly right, but not quite. Story of his life, really!"

Tremble was to be cremated early next week, but the crematorium has shut for refurbishment, and a sudden unexpected shortage of wood means he will now be buried in a bin liner.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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