Written by Sidney Bollocks

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Sunday, 25 September 2011

image for Crisis Rocks UK's Largest Sperm Bank
An endangered sub-species?

As the world's financial markets and banking system continue on a wild roller coaster ride, a major crisis is spreading to a banking sector few people ever think of.

Sehman Brothers, who hold the UK's largest and most diverse sperm deposits, have been forced to stop accepting deposits from redheads, as world demand for ginger babies has all but evaporated. The bank is currently believed to hold reserves of redhead sperm, which outstrip current Libyan oil reserves.

Sehman Brothers managing director, Abel Sehman, told us "So far, we have managed to mostly ride out the storm affecting the global banking system. Liquidity has never been a problem for us and we continue to be inundated with deposits. However, the simple reality is that nobody wants ginger kids any more and we are left with barrels of the sticky stuff which we need to find a new market for".

Mr Sehman went on to say, "Ginger kids are simply too expensive in the long term. Firstly, there is the additional cost of finding clothes which don't clash with their hair colour. Then there is the cost of therapy and counselling to undo the years of being bullied and ridiculed. Finally, most ginger kids live at home until they are nearly forty, as nobody wants to marry them".

However, there does appear to be a glimmer of hope for Sehman Brothers. Demand for ginger kids remains strong in Ireland. The bank is also exploring investment opportunities with an industrial adhesives manufacturer.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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