London - Military Police are probing a serious assault on a humble squaddie by a Booze & Royals major whose gargoyle-faced niece was a bridesmaid in April's royal wedding.
Major Nicholas Van Cutsem is accused of whipping a soldier so severely that his riding crop broke during what was supposed to be a simulated attack training exercise that went disastrously arse over tit.
The officer is a regimental bigwig with gargantuous social climbing ambitions that culminated in him leading a Captain's Escort at William and Kate's nuptials.
His niece Grace Van Cutsem, whose squashy facial features bore a striking resemblance to Hugh Laurie's foppish Prince Regent in Blackadder The Third, was voted Royal Wedding Ugly Mug Of The Day following some very iffy antics on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
"She may only be four," the head of the Royal Protection Racket police corps commented, "but profiling suggests she's likely to be a right little rioter in years to come."
Van Cutsem remains on the Army payroll as an official probe continues investigating what witnesses have described as appalling mayhem.
And UK Red Tops appear to defy MoD pleas to tone down their reporting amid claims the injured squaddie has filed for GBH charges against the Major.
Camilla Fucker-Proles is still on largactil.