Written by Jack Leonard

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Thursday, 22 September 2011

image for Dale Farm Travellers To Build On ISS
Can we Tarmac yer solar panels, missus?

With the Dale Farm evictions in full swing, it emerged yesterday that many of the travellers have already set their sights on a new home: The International Space Station.

Recently, a Russian Soyuz rocket exploded just minutes after lift-off, destroying tons of essential supplies and equipment. With no alternative delivery system now that the American shuttle has retired, this loss could mean that the astronauts currently occupying the space station may have to evacuate. Should this become necessary, there's a good chance that someone else will be sleeping in their space beds before the sheets have reached absolute zero. Because, with a council victory in the courts looking increasingly likely, several of the Dale Farm inhabitants have already decided that the deserted module would be perfect for a new start.

When asked about the obvious problems that go hand-in-hand with orbital living, one of the travellers replied, "People always say we appear out of nowhere, and you can't get more 'nowhere' than space, can you? True, the horses and dogs may be needing blankets when they're outside, but we've settled in more hostile environments than this and we're used to living in cramped spaces. The only thing we'll have to be careful about is chucking our shit outside because it'll just freeze, then hit us in the face an hour later."

Despite these obstacles, the travellers remain convinced that there are many advantages as well. "First off," said another, "there's plenty of scrap metal up there, and if the odd communications satellite happens to drop into our front yard...well, finders keepers, eh? Secondly, we're pretty sure the council and police don't have the budget to come up there and evict us. And finally, like in that Alien film, 'in space, no one can hear your slaves scream'. We'd be silly not to go."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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