Bigwigs in Brussels have banned the use of the name "sausage roll" after a lengthy EU debate.
EU scientists tested 10,000 sausage rolls from all over the UK and did not manage to make a single one roll.
"Every one of them has at least one flat edge," said chief investigator Thorsten Marzipan, "so their ability to actually roll is severely limited."
UK retailers and food manufacturers will have to repackage millions of sausage rolls as "Sausages in pastry" from 1 October or risk a fine.
"This is ridiculous," said Tom Butcher, head of the meat packing union Ham Fisting Association. "Sausage rolls are not supposed to be able to roll. They are called a roll because you roll the sausage in pastry when you make it."
Foreign Minister William Hague promised to appeal against the "ridiculous" ruling, saying, "Why don't they ban Swiss rolls, Arctic Roll and Brussels sprouts? (Many of which are grown in the UK)."