Written by DZ Wags
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Topics: Sport, Sky, Richard Keys

Sunday, 18 September 2011

A doctor has discovered that disgraced former Sky Sports anchor, Richard Keys, is in fact more ape than man.

The discovery came when the fifty year old was undergoing his routine hair removal procedure. The doctor, who has been treating Mr. Keys for more than fifteen years, realised that the rate and range of hair growth was until now "inexplicable, inhumane and plain wrong."

He ordered a series of tests for Mr. Keys that included hanging from a climbing frame and identifying flees in a mass of hair.

"The results of the tests are conclusive; what we have discovered is the missing link," said Dr. Morris. "An ape that can learn and speak English is without doubt the missing link we've been searching for."

Andy Gray, Keys' former co-presenter for many Sky Sports games, said he was not shocked by the discovery. "I've known for years actually," he said. "Once Gaby Logan was presenting in the studio next to us and he started jumping up and down and his arse went bright red. That was a big clue, and of course the amount of hair on his hands."

When Mr. Keys was asked to comment he responded by thumping his chest angrily. Sky Sports said that Richard Keys' condition had in no way contravened their employment criteria; one spokesman added, "You've seen Rupert Murdoch havn't you?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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