A shoal of deadly Amazon Piranhas attacked a Thames tug in broad daylight today and after gnawing at her bottom for 5 minutes, she sunk without trace.
Experts were called in to investigate the incident and nobody seems to know where these dastardly little, razor-sharp and very jagged-toothed little bastards have come from.
One expert, Jake The-Pegleg, who is a piranha expert after paddling in the Amazon many years ago and managed to survive an attack, albeit..., gave his expert opinion:
"They must have come from somewhere, either swum the Atlantic on a Gulf Stream, or have been dumped in the river by an exotic fish lover who forgot to take his hand out of the fish tank whilst feeding the little rotters."
Divers were sent down into the murky, muddy, crap infested waters of the Thames and discovered many skeletons of unidentified junkies, alco's and other under-life buried in the thick mud. David Walliams, intrepid charity swimmer, also reported missing them by a scales breadth, thank god he didn't get stuck in it too!
The piranhas seen to have adopted to life in the filthy Thames waters and are thriving, so beware any idiot who wants to go for a quick paddle between Tower Bridge and Putney Bridge, you could end up legless especially after a couple of beers.
Training for next years Oxford & Cambridge boat race has been postponed because the teethy critters have been gnawing away at their oars and without oars....
More as we get it...