Written by Skoob1999
Print this
Topics: Japan, burnley, Sushi

Thursday, 15 September 2011

image for A Sushi Bar In Burnley? - You're Having A Laugh Mister Yakomoto!
The Evil Eye Of Terror - A Waiter Who Got The Burnley Job

The few remaining residents of the declining mill town of Burnley, in Lancashire, were almost unanimous in their condemnation of a Japanese businessman's plans to launch two sushi bars - one on the site of a former pub on Accrington Road, in the town, and one in neighbouring Padiham, in a disused shop in Burnley Road.

"What do we want with fucking sushi?" one resident groaned. "It took us thirty year to get used to eyetie coffee and Mac-bastard-Donald's. I don't bloody know where all this is leading to...but it'll all end in tears. You mark my bloody words and just think on."

It seems that residents of Burnley and district aren't quite prepared for a cultural onslaught which basically consists of bits of fish on a roundabout, skalextric type system, only a lot slower, to be washed down with sake - rice wine.

Or some fucking thing or other.

"Ooh, having raw fish going round and round in front of yer! I couldn't do wi' that...I'd be sick!" Dirty Joyce of Harold Avenue exclaimed. "Don't they think we've got enough shops already, flogging bloody foreign muck? Course, I blame the Pakis, with their chow mien and their bloody kebabs and stuff. This place has gone right downhill since they took over the drugs and prostitution game. Now they're getting us to eat raw fish off a fucking roundabout? They can fuck right off, and I'll tell yer that for nowt!"

However, Mr Tokei Yakomoto, the Tokyo businessman who set up the deal is convinced that he can win the locals round, and is quite prepared to put his money where his mouth is.

"Maybe there be initial resistance to project," he said. "But the people will love the sushi, when they come to be familiar with it. Is great delicacy in Japan."

Upon reading a fax of Mr Yakomoto's statement, Charlie Windsor, of Hudson Street, could hardly believe his eyes.

"Tell me you're fucking joking," Mr Windsor said, with an air of menace about his tone. "They want us to eat raw fish and wash it down with rice pudding on a fucking roundabout? Bollocks to 'em! Lads and lasses round here - they'll trash the joint. On a daily basis. We've got short memories us - they turned me grandad Albert into a fucking nutcase when he were a POW. Mad as a bucket of lemurs he was. And now they want us to pay to eat their shite? I'll gi' the fuckers two month afore they get burnt out. He were reet abaht them bastards were Prince Philip. Hit the nail reet on the fuckin' napper there. Sushi...bollocks..."

Mister Yakomoto remained upbeat about the project, insisting that locals would get to know and love sushi.

Local historian, on loan, Ken Lucid, currently residing in leafy Chiswick, told reporters:

"It's right that Mr Yakomoto should remain optimistic regarding his current venture, but being an historian, I'd rather equate his chances alongside those of Emperor Hirohito in World War Two. In short, he's going to be completely fucked if his sushi bars open in Burnley. The sad truth is that the only adaptable people in Burnley pissed off years ago in search of pastures new."

Sio Nara - As we get it...

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story


Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!


What's 3 multiplied by 1?

5 3 17 9
43 readers are online right now!

Go to top

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more