The final results were announced last night in the search to find Britain's greatest lover. Competition, like much else, was stiff, but the millions of eligible entrants were finally whittled down to just one man, 29 year old Stephen Quinn from Doncaster.
The judges were looking at performance across a range of disciplines. "Size is obviously a factor," said head judge Miss Gloria Stitz "but, fortunately for the eventual winner, we also take into account - stamina, artistic interpretation and in Mr Quinn's case, sheer determination."
In the preliminary (or foreplay) rounds of the final - held in the picturesque village of Little Humping on the Hill - Mr Quinn's chances of victory looked slim as retired gynaecologist Hubert Longstaffe took an impressive advantage into the later stages. Mr Longstaffe's excitement was premature however, as during a routine drug test he was found to have "unacceptable" levels of Viagra in his system. After a short inquiry, Mr Longstaffe was unceremoniously disqualified from the competition and left the arena with his head in his hands.
With the early leader gone, the competition was wide open and Mr Quinn rose to the challenge and polished off the rest of the competitors in his group. Mr Quinn's doggedness was tested to the full as he found himself through to the head-to-head with last year's winner and current holder of the 'Europe's Greatest Lover' title - Dirk 'King Dong' Thrust from Little Hardon.
The burnished haired Adonis, Quinn, who lives in Doncaster was up against it on more than one occasion, but his proud friend was relieved to see that he was more than capable of holding his own.
Quinn's best friend was right behind him throughout the contest. "Steve's always knew that he could count on my support, in fact I was with him all the way, until a nasty friction burn required Savlon and I had to hand him over to a large brunette woman in a nurse's uniform."
As the contest reached it's climax, the watching crowd gave Quinn a big hand as he ultimately came round the bed post and collapsed.
Our reporter attempted to interview Mr Quinn as he was carried away from the event arena, but he was too spent to talk. His friend however, said that he was expected be up again before nightfall.