Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Monday, 12 September 2011

image for Man-eating fridge freezer sighted off St Ives coast
One of Blimey Windy's seven wives in St Ives.

Reports are coming in from Cornwall that a man-eating fridge freezer has been spotted basking in St Ives waters: "The massive beast came within yards of my boat as i was trawling round Zennor Head" said fisherman Blimey Windy.

Now speculation is mounting among surfers that the creature patrolling the coast around St Ives is an Oceanic Whitetip Shark.

The widespread panic has been made worse by frenzied media attention fuelled and circulated by local pirates and heavy drinkers.

Fred Gurnard, Chairman of the Shark Trust, has told the St Times Echo that Cornish waters are becoming an ideal hunting environment for these predators: "The beast that Blimey Windy saw was not an Oceanic Whitetip but a Great White Fridge Freezer" claimed the shark expert.

Holidaymakers have been advised to keep out of the sea and take refuge in the town's restaurants and art galleries while the Great White Fridge Freezer is still at large:

"The sea is not a safe place for innocent tourists while this blood thirsty killing machine is circling" said marine painter and cafe owner Alfred Wallis.

St Ives fisherman have refused to go back to work until the sea monster is caught: "I have got seven wives to support so i can't risk getting eaten by the Great White Fridge Freezer" said Blimey Windy from his usual seat in The Mermaid Arms.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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