Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Wednesday, 21 September 2011

image for The Indianapolis Colts Have Just Signed An Amazing 13-Year-Old Kick Return Specialist
A football autographed by the legendary Colts quarterback Johnny Unitas that was given to Jiggy Wickergiggle.

INDIANAPOLIS - The Indianapolis Colts have just lost their second game and are now 0-2 and off to their worst start in recent memory.

The coaches, players, and fans all point to the fact that the team is certainly missing the services of its star quarterback Peyton Manning who is out for the season due to the fact that he has had three neck surgeries, he is suffering from tonsillitis, and has a touch of ED.

A sports writer for Sports Territory, Tango Brisket asked Manning how he was feeling. Manning put down the bottle of pain pills and replied, "Well dude, my neck feels like Chaz Bono and David Crosby both held hands and jumped on it at the count of three, my tonsils have swollen up so big they look like they could both easily fill one of Dolly Parton's bras, and my wiener looks like it should be attached to Rip Van Winkle's crotch, but other than that, hell I guess I'm fine.

Coach Jim Caldwell was asked if he feels that his team lost to the Houston Texans and the Cleveland Browns due to the fact that his star quarterback was not on the field. Caldwell looked at Brisket and replied, "Ah...well to be perfectly honest with you Tango, I think that the real reason we lost both games was because the other teams just scored more points than we did."

"Well coach doesn't that go without saying?" Brisket asked somewhat sarcastically.

"Ah yes it does. So then why did you even bother to waste my time and your time asking it? Caldwell shot back.

"You know Tango, I would have preferred that you ask me a question about that friggin volcano that they just discovered in that J.C.Penny parking lot over in Topeka, Kansas, or the fact that if it doesn't rain pretty soon down in Texas, the state is going to have to buy water from Greenland in order to put it in their rivers so that they can at least flow and look like the damn rivers that they are."

Brisket took a sip of his Jose Cuervo Tequila and asked the coach about the rumor that he was on the verge of signing a 13-year-old football sensation from Waxahachie, Texas.

Coach Caldwell's eyes lit up and he replied that, that was more like it. He smiled and said that one of his football scouts, Deulin Dipmix, 68, had discovered a seventh grader named Jiggy Wickergiggle playing for Billy The Kid Middle School in Waxahachie.

Dipmix said that he watched a middle school football game where The Billy The Kid Gunslingers defeated The Hopalong Cassidy Gunfighters 56-0. He noted that Jiggy "Bubblegum" Wickergiggle returned eight kickoffs back for touchdowns.

After the game Dipmix went down and talked to Jiggy's dad and mom Houston and Savannah Wickergiggle about the possibility of signing their son to a contract with the Indianapolis Colts where he would be used strictly as a kick off returner.

Jiggy's dad noted that his son is only 4-feet-4-inches tall and only weighs 70 pounds. Dipmix said he realized that and added that's precisely what makes him so darn fast and so darn hard to tackle.

His mom asked if she could go along and help him with his homework. Dipmix assured the Wickergiggles that the Colts organization would buy them a big house and Jiggy would be home schooled by the best teacher in the entire state of Indiana.

Jiggy asked if he could also bring along his pet cocker spaniel Naomi. Dipmix laughed and said that the Colts organization will build Naomi the biggest darn doghouse in the entire Midwest.

SIDENOTE: Jiggy was told that he will be wearing number ½. He smiled as he ate a Three Musketeers Candy Bar and said that he can hardly wait to see his NFL football card.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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