After Arsenal shipping a canoeful of goals during the Sunday meatfest with arch rivals Moist United, the Arsenal manager Herr Wenger has been recommended a Spider, that can play all along the back four by his deemed nemesis Steve Bruce Forsyth.
Forsyth, a former Miss World, recommended the Spider after he caught it shimmying up a drainpipe, outside his floating garden. During a turgid interview, Forsyth garbled "Spider..drainpipe...Wenger"...this sentence was looped for an entire seven minutes, causing multiple dumb-struck journalists to rub their chins in agreement.
Spider News interviewed Wenger to ask about these allegations and he pointed out "yes, these mumblings are unfortunately true...we've been after this particular Spider for two years now, but we've now managed to capture him thanks to Mr Forsyth. He'll be a remarkable asset to the squad and hopefully he'll be put in the team against Shrove Tuesday, in the Mince cup, a week next Wednesday."
Moist United manager, Ed Massey-Ferguson, was busy eating an unused boiled sweet to comment, but those behind doors comment that he was "stark raving livid", and has now burnt an effergy of Herr Wenger - believed to be a tattoo located on a member of staff.