It seems that reports that Arsene Wenger has attempted suicide following his team's disastrous 8-2 dismantling by Manchester United's young assassins have been greatly exaggerated.
An Arsenal spokesman told this organ, that reports that the beleaguered Frenchman has attempted suicide by drowning, by standing on his head in the bathtub, were absolutely without foundation.
"Arsene is fine," the spokesman said. "Apart from a seriously battered ego."
The internet is awash with Wenger suicide reports, none of which appear to be true.
One report had him attempting to throw himself under a train at Clapham Junction, another that he was climbing up the Gherkin and threatening to jump, and yet another related that he was walking around Broadwater Farm showing off a Rolex Oyster to all and sundry.
None of the reports appear to be true, and thus far, none of them have been confirmed.
Arsenal fan, Alf Tupper, seemed to lay the rumours to rest when he stated with some confidence:
"These rumours are a load of old pony. Troof is that Arsene's 'avin an Anglo-French barby dahn 'Arry Redknapp's at Bornmuff. Wiv jellied eels, snails, frog's legs and pie and mash wiv liquor. He ain't even finkin' abaht toppin' 'imself. Mind you - I'd 8-2 be in 'is shoes right nah."
More as we get it.