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Monday, 29 August 2011

image for Team wins football match by scoring more goals than the other team
The late Liam Maltby gets to grips with Andy Parsnip's Parsnip

Cranchester-On-Sea 3 Amplethrope Town 1
by Tony Whippersnapper

A satisfying win for Cranchester as they punished a lacklustre Amplethorpe by scoring more goals than them by a ratio of 3 to 1.

The Jouneymen, playing in an unusual 010110101110 binary formation, have now won three of their last five games and are unbeaten in seven, having lost only twice since the start of the season. An impressive, if somewhat meaningless statistic that makes football journalists like me look like we know what we're talking about.

Journymen Manager Billy Witham said if his teams performance, "Call me controversial if you will, but I've often said, if you score more goals than the opposition, you've got an excellent chance of winning the game. And if, by the end of the season, your team has won more matches than anyone else, you've got an excellent chance of being promoted, and possibly, winning a trophy. That's the message that we are trying to instill in the players at the moment."

FIRST HALF

Cranchester's first goal, came from an incisive piece of play by Nathen Howells, The Welsh born, former Holt City Midfilder, set up the ex-gasfitter and pigeon fancier, Granthem Leadbeter, to steer the ball into Amplethorpe's net. This is Leadbeter's 5th goal in as many matches, and his first goal against a team wearing a mostly red kit.

Leadbeter said of his goal - "I was pleased to get the goal, particularly against a team wearing a red strip. I've managed to score goals against teams wearing blue, white and green kits this year but now I can add red - It's a bit of a personal milestone for me."

Amplethorpe's best chance to level the scores came in the 42 minute as, shape-changing-lizard-boy from the planet Zarg, Radblat Zrnatlix, latched onto a chance from veteran striker, Routledge Porterhouse, only for it to hit the woodwork. Quite what an antique writing desk was doing on the pitch is anyone's guess - serious questions will need to be asked of the groundstaff.

HALF TIME

Nothing much happened during half-time, and it was actually quite dull. Both teams walked off the pitch and It would be 15 minutes before they returned.

SECOND HALF

Clearly the halftime teamtalk had, had its effect, and the Hod Carriers began the second half with a renewed sense of purpose. Their efforts were rewarded when in the 53rd minute, Liam Maltby latched onto a stray pass from Cranchester defender Andy Parsnips to head the ball home from close range. The Scots international, of Sicilian ancestry, celebrated by spontaneously combusting in front of the opposition fans.

After a lengthy period of injury time the match resumed. Amplethorpe battled valiantly, but the loss of such a key player had a detrimental effect on team morale and the team conceded a further two soft goals. Jarrett and Skipton both netting from close range.

Despite Cranchester's decisive win, it was the loss of Amplethorpe forward Liam Maltby that dominated post-match discussion.

Suppressing tears, Hod Carrier's manager Ged McKrakken said of the late Maltby, "he wore the shirt with pride, until, he and it, were spread over a 30 metre radius. In these times of inflated player salaries it's rare that you see that level of commitment to the cause. Now, every fan will take a piece of little piece of Liam away with them. Literally. Probably in a doggy bag."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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