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Thursday, 29 December 2005

image for Steroid Abuse Negates World Records, says Konami "Track & Field" Association
At 1993 competition, DML slams down javelin and throws left arm up in frustration at controversial world records

The anti-doping committee of the Konami "Track & Field" Association, citing rampant steroid usage amongst its competitors in the early days of competition, has stripped Japanese hexathalon legends EEE, FFF and GGG of the world records they have held since 1983.

After years of closed-cabinet investigations, the committee made their eagerly-awaited final report public yesterday. The report revealed not only rampant and flagrant abuse of performance-enhancing substances by the Top Three athletes ever to run, jump and throw using three flimsy plastic buttons, but also a culture of degradation that allowed such abuse to flourish.

EEE, FFF and GGG, game programmers working at Konami in the early 1980s, were early masters of the game, and their records were so towering at the time that Konami enshrined them as the default records on all machines worldwide. In the years since, most of their records have been broken, but the javelin throw records have remained untouched, causing them to be suspect and casting a pall on their all-time rankings in the other five events, which include the 100m dash, the long jump, the 110m hurdles, the hammer throw and the high jump.

The committee concluded that the culture of hedonism at video game companies at the time, with their drag-racing and wild coke-fueled orgies with willing video game groupies, made steroid use inevitable. But, the committe noted, the abuse could only matter in an environment of corruption that encouraged and legitimized it.

Some of the strongest evidence came from one of the athletes himself. GGG came forward as a surprise witness, confessing, via a translator, to not only to juicing up before a meet but also rigging the game so as to play psychological warfare with future players. "For the second round of play, I re-programmed the distance to qualify in the javelin to actually be longer than my ill-gotten 3rd-place record," he explained. "That must have really screwed with people's heads." The announcer of the game, later called in as an expert witness on statistics, enthusiastically confirmed that GGG's javelin record was indeed "eighty-four... point... nine... six... meters!" while the qualifier in the second round was "eighty-five... point... zero zero... meters!"

After a long run of success, however, GGG realized he'd had enough. "When my steroid-enhanced hands were getting so enormous that I couldn't even slam on a RUN button without accidentally slamming on the JUMP button, I knew the party was over."

The committee that authored the report was a blue-ribbon panel of noted video-game drug experts, including the Red Cop and Blue Cop from "Narc", widely considered to be the front-runners to be the next U.S. Drug Czars. Hours of research were carried out by The Guy Climbing The Endless Ladder from "Fax", who parlayed his success into a seat in the British House of Commons.

Former FBI director William S. Sessions chaired the investigation, ending every hearing by reminding the athletes "Winners don't use drugs!" As the report was being published, Sessions was already on his way back to his Texas home, where has spent his time since 1993 alternating between efforts to reduce gun crime and shoving pins into voodoo effigies of Janet Reno.

The millions of people who have played the game over the years, of course, have had much to say regarding the controversy, most of it supportive of the sanctions. Indeed, a petition has been circulating for years on ClassicGaming.com, urging Konami, Centuri and the anonymous Italian programmer of the bootleg ROM "Hyper Athlete" to investigate the acheivements of "Track & Field"'s most venerable stars.

WJB, who perfected his fingertip-based technique at the Nathan's restaurant at the Broadway Mall on Long Island, and now plays in a beer league at Barcade in Brooklyn, says it's about time that the feats of the Top Three were investigated. "For 22 years I've seen those impossible numbers up on the boards and it's made me sick to my stomach, not to mention inspired me to the point of a mild case of carpal tunnel syndrome. EEE got, what, 96.72 meters on the javelin?! FFF got 90.21? Without doping up? My ass! I've spent hundred of dollars in quarters of my own money on these games, and slammed on those buttons until my fingertips got sore, and there's no way in hell that you can even come close to 85 without being on something. And nobody's done anything until now? Seriously, what the fuck?"

2UP CPU, speaking from his bachelor pad in Los Angeles, took a break from washing his endless supply of red short-shorts to express his shock and dismay at the news.

"I'll never be able to get the memory of those early competitions out of my mind, man," 2UP CPU said, stroking his trademark moustache. "I mean, granted, I was programmed to keep up with with whoever I raced against, but this was just out of control. And the javelin of course was ridiculous. It was the most helpless feeling, watching that thing fly so far you thought the display would never stop scrolling to the left. You just know that the bird hiding out beyond the top of the screen was in on it. And of course, the fouls always seemed arbitrarily enforced. This is just the tip of the iceberg, if you ask me."

"Still," he continued, "those girls who kissed you on the winner's podium were fiiiiiiiine ass bitches."

Other players who spoke on condition of anonymity suggested that the cross-eyed guy with the tape measure and the judge who gruffly yelled "FOUL!" was in on the scheme as well.

3UP CPU and 4UP CPU, popularly known as The Red-Haired Guy and The Possibly-Hispanic Guy amongst Konami circuit fans, were not available for comment. They were last publicly seen walking out of the stadium in disgust during the "'88 Games", angry over the poor copywriting and confusing 3D perspectives.

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