Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 26 July 2011

image for Blue Square Conference to adopt Smart Balls
Kick it like this, and it will stop dead after thirty yards

The Blue Square Conference, non-league's highest tier, is to lead the way with new 'Smart Balls'.

Made by Fila, these balls are the latest in intelligent sports gear. As well as being perfectly spherical, the balls promise to aid referees in some of their split-second decisions.

"The new Fila balls all contain custom made chips," said Ed Balls, the shadow chancellor and Halifax Town fan with a humorous name. "These chips can sense when they cross a white line, be it a goal line or a touch line. This will allow the referee to determine whether or not a goal has been scored."

Crucially, because there is no goal-line technology in the balls, the new balls do not contravene the FIFA edict on goal-line technology.

The new balls can also tell when they have been kicked, and in what direction, although it is not clear yet as to what use this information will be put. Although each ball costs over a hundred a fifty pounds, the league has arranged a sponsorship deal with JD Sports to pay for a third of the cost of the balls, with the clubs only expected to find the remaining one hundred pound a ball.

"It's a bit steep," said Horatio Skinflint, chairman of Forest Green Rovers. "We normally get the five pound balls from Macro."

Playing with the new balls is something that the players are looking forward too, however.

"I've heard there's some hidden features," said Michael Twisted of Altrincham. "There was a thing on facebook, should that be capitalised? Anyway, it said that if you kick the ball in the right way it can adjust it's flight in midair with some clever bladder control. I can't wait to get hold of one of these balls and start trying to make it do a loop the loop."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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