Written by Karen Fish
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Topics: Tiger Woods, Golf

Friday, 22 July 2011

image for Tiger Woods to Carry His Own Bag

Bored with golf Tiger Woods has turned the sport into a soap opera. In the latest installment of 'Breaking Wind: The Tiger Woods Story' Tiger Woods has fired his long time caddy New Zealander Steve Williams. Helping Tiger Woods to victory in 13 of his 14 Major Championships just didn't cut it with Tiger who demands perfection from those around him.

Speculation is rife over who will be Tiger Woods' new caddy. Potential candidates to carry Tiger's bag have been golf lover Barack Obama, John Boehner, Rupert Murdoch, the Dalai Lama, Fanny Sunesson, Selena Gomez, Michele Bachmann, Michelle Wie and Elin Nordegren. Today Tiger Woods' agent Mark Steinberg now at Excel Sports Management after 10 years at IMG announced that from now on Tiger Woods will be carrying his own golf bag around the world.

Whining like a jilted girlfriend Steve Williams who has made millions of dollars carrying Tiger's bag whined today: "I've wasted the last two years of my life with Tiger Woods. I stuck with him through thick and thin, through all his infidelities and then he just throws me into the trash can like a used Kleenex."

Tiger Woods tweeted: "I'm really angry with all of my endorsers jumping ship like treasonous rats. Pepsi, Gillette, Accenture, Nike. Now I'm reduced to standing outside of the Fukushima Nuclear Power Plant hawking this Japanese heat rub Vantelin Kowa heat rub; like Japan isn't hot enough with global warming and radioactive cows melting down, they need heat rubs. I thought that like Greece and the United States now might be a good time for austerity measures."

Tiger Woods continued: "Also, Dr. Galea thought that it would be good for my rehab. Rachel Uchitel was dating billionaire financier Jamie Dingman and I split them up by promising Rachel Uchitel that I would leave my wife Elin Nordegren for her. Rachel doesn't date a lot of poor guys. So Jamie Dingman decides to get even by buying Nike and invoking the penalty clause, then he starts dating my ex wife. Now I've lost my money, my wife, my children, my girlfriends, my caddy and I'm carrying my own bag on the PGA tour. I'm sure a lot of guys will be laughing at me as I limp around the course, carrying my own bag, taking out the flag for Rory McIlroy and reading my own putts but at least I still have my dignity."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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