Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 20 July 2011

image for Bishops Stortford adjust to life in the North
Houses like this are now only worth thirty pounds six shillings

Bishops Stortford, the Conference North's most southerly team are slowly adjusting to life being classed as 'Northern'.

"There's been a few changes," said Bishops's chief executive, Mannie Handled. "For a start, the proposed sale of land adjacent to the stadium was going to be bought by Waitrose. Now we are northern, Lidl will be buying it."

Naturally, the sale of the land to Lidl has prompted Aldi to open a store just down the road, or down t'road as the locals have now begun to say.

"The 7/11 has been re-branded as a Spar," said Mannie, "which will make our northern visitors feel more at home."

Bishops has always had a close relationship with Stanstead Airport, being situated at the end of London's third airport's runway. With Bishops Stortford now being northern, Stanstead has been re-branded as Middlesborough Airport by all the budget airlines.

"This has to be a good thing," said Mannie. "Middlesborough have never had an international airport before."

At the club itself, the changes to a more northern flavour have also become apparent.

"We will no longer be selling carafes of wine in the supporters' bar," Mannie admitted. "Instead, we will serve builders tea and mild."

The club have spent several hundred pence putting in whippet bars for tying whippets to, and have installed a pigeon loft. This has proved popular with the players, all of whom now wear flat caps and dress in shell suits.

"It's reet good bein' northern," said Christian Jacobean, the club's star signing over the summer. "I get to go t'foot of our stairs."

Even the menu at the food hut has been altered. Gone is the French Toast and ploughman's lunch to be replaced with steak and ale pie and boiled burgers.

"When winter comes," said Mannie, "we will be importing a thick layer of snow. We have to import it, as we cannot source it locally."

One Bishops Stortford local is not impressed with the change to a more northerly clime. "I'm not impressed," said Geoffry Hummer. "The value of my house has dropped by a million pounds. It's ridiculous. I want compensation from the Conference league for this outrage."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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