Lifelong Manchester United supporter, and current janitor at Salford University, Donald Skoob, (whose Godfather is Spoof legend Monkey Woods) today rounded on the satirical website he has enthusiastically supported for the past three years.
Donald Skoob, whose real name is Martin Shuttlecock, railed against the website for publishing a veritable tidal wave of nonsense about his beloved football club, by a string of people who haven't the faintest idea what they're talking about, and don't appear to care, as long as people read (or more accurately, log on to) the bollocks published on the Spoof.
"I'm really fucking angry right now," Shuttlecock growled. "I don't mind Liverpool fans running Gary Neville stories, or Leeds fans writing sheep denials, or even City fans calling us Rags and Munichs - they might hate us, but at least they know what they're fucking talking about."
Growling that he was so angry, he could stamp on a freshly hatched robin chick in his hob nailed boots, crushing it into the concrete, Shuttlecock, cursing and spitting, picked up his spade and commenced digging, presumably intending to work on the ten room underground extension to the Shuttlecock residence, which he's been excavating for a week, having achieved so far a depth of approximately 13 inches, Shuttlecock sweated and fretted.
Which is all well and good, but doesn't clear up what he means about the broadside directed at the Spoof website. So we asked him.
"You really wanna know?" he snarled, throwing his spade at a passing fox cub. "You really wanna know? - did I really decapitate that fox cub wiv me spade? Serves it right. Should have looked where it was going - right..."
At which point Shuttlecock started to hyperventilate, only calming down and becoming less red in the face after consuming four cans of premium strength continental lager.
"Okay," he announced presently, as he cut callouses off his fingertips with a Stanley knife. "Let's get this straight. I really don't mind taking crap from rival fans. Let's be clear about that, as Cameron would say. But what really fucks me off about the Spoof is that they publish utter bollocks by people who obviously haven't a fucking clue what they're talking about, but who write shite for their own selfish reasons. Manchester United Football club has a richer history than any Barcelona, Real Madrid, Inter Milan, Arsenal, or any of them. There are other clubs with equally rich histories, such as Notts County, Burnley, Preston North End, Aston Villa - but people don't write fucking inane, ill informed stories about them. Because they aren't as popular. But no self respecting United fan would write the club's name as 'Man U' - we just don't do that. And too many people make up crap about our beloved club when they couldn't even locate it on Google Maps. I wish they'd just all piss off. Genuinely satirical or critical articles about Wayne Rooney or Chicharito or Rio Ferdinand aren't a problem. but stupid articles about Chicharito locking lips with fucking Carmen Miranda, or blousy bollocks about our fans being fickle - for fuck's sake. Are people not only desperate enough to rate their own shit as funny, but to shit on a rich sporting tradition in the process? Wouldn't even be so bad if most of it wasn't alcohol fuelled bollocks. Right - I'm gonna carry on working on me ten room underground extension. So fuck off."
Interesting? Probably not. But many Manchester United fans would understand.
More as we get it.