The owners of the franchises in the NBA and NFL announced today they are moving their teams to China. The outcry was immediate as the sports world and Americans in general reacted in shock and dismay.
"We have no other choice," stated a spokesman for the teams. "We cannot afford to pay these players twenty and thirty million dollars a year while they sit around in their mansions and swimming pools most of the year."
"How do the players feel about this," asked a journalist "Not their money," answered the spokesman. "They can go back to playing pick-up games at the YMCA if they want."
"What about their pay," asked a reporter.
"They will do fine," answered the spokesman, "We will provide them with Chinese language lessons and instructions on how to stoop going through doorways. On top of that we have arranged for them to have off-season jobs at an I-Pod factory near Beijing. Granted, twelve cents an hour is not what they are use to, but if they work hard and save, they will be OK."
Journalist: "What about the names of the teams? Will they remain the same?"
Spokesman: "Of course not! The Chinese wouldn't understand the current names. In the beginning they will be named in the order in which they finished the season. For instance, the Dallas Mavericks will be named # 1 special, the Miami Heat, the #2 Special, and so forth.'
Journalist: "What about all of the stadiums that have been built for you here using millions of tax-payer dollars?"
"Not a problem, we have taken care of this matter. Arrangements have been made with the GOP and the Tea Party movement to lease every one of the stadiums and other venues in the US for weekend galas. It is my understanding they are to be named, "Lions & Liberals lollapaloozas" (LLL) and Fox News will be covering the events live," he paused, "well…live…may not be the right word, and the sponsors are gathering hungry lions from all over the world." The spokesman left the podium abruptly accompanied by a phalanx of bodyguards.
In other breaking news, Lebron James issued the following statement: "I will not be going with my team to China and I will not participate in this travesty. I will live out my life in a place where I am admired, respected and loved. I am returning to Cleveland where I will own and operate gondola river boat cruises on the beautiful Cuyahoga River."