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Thursday, 24 November 2005

Former Manchester United midfielder and (non) resident Irish mentalist Roy Keane has today been spotted moving his family to Glasgow.

It has long been thought that a move away from Old Trafford would mean Keane would end up at Celtic, the team he supported as a child.

Keane, 36, tried his hardest to hide the move and applied his traditional mode of family transport for the long journey north. Upon spotting our photographer, Mr Keane was heard to shout ‘Get away with you you bollix, to be sure I'm moving but I didn't think you feckers would ‘ave got wind of it'.

Mr Keane then proceeded to pick up the small donkey (as seen on the left of the picture) and hurl it in the direction of the photographer. Sensing that a ‘situation' was about to erupt; our photographer moved away in time to see the donkey fly past and hit a group of young fans who had lined the street in the hope of an autograph. "Be away with ya, or I'll set the dogs up' he shouted as the animal got up from a small child.

The child, who cannot be named for legal reason, was hurried away by his Mother. ‘It's an absolute disgrace' she said to me later when I called the hospital. ‘My son has been a life long fan of United and Keano and we came up especially from London to lend our support. It's disgusting how he can treat his fans this way. It's the first time we've ever been north of Watford and I'm not sure we'll bother again'.

Mr Keane, who is reportedly worth somewhere in the region of £30 million, will adjust very well to the Glasgow life style as he is well known for his love of unreasoned fighting and acts of aggression.

An unnamed source from inside the club has already indicated that Mr Keane has passed the first stage of his club initiation into the club by ‘…drinking 8 pints without having a slash and decking two Sassenachs …' it is unknown when the Irish legend will make his debut for Celtic as as yet he is unable to eat a fully battered Mars Bar in one sitting.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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