LOS ANGELES - Hugh Hefner said that it was not a good week for him, what with getting dumped by his fiancee and all, so he went out and did something to lift up his spirits.
He decided to purchase the NBA Los Angeles Clippers. He called up team owner Donald Sterling and made him a very generous offer.
Sterling thought about it for three seconds before he stated, "Done."
Hefner was to have married his girlfriend Crystal "Itchy Loins" Harris on the day he purchased the team, but of course, as everyone knows Harris dumped him four days before the big "Rice Day."
Harris reportedly said that she sat down and did the math and just figured that 85 years minus 25 years equals 60 years and that is just way too much of an age difference between the two.
Hefner said that he does not have any ill-feelings toward Crystal but added that he hopes that she develops industrial cellulite within the next year.
He laughed and said he was only joking but then added that he knows that whoever her next boyfriend happens to be, he will be shocked when he gets a real good look at her playpen.
Hefner winked and said that he would not go into it any further (definitely no pun intended).
The Playboy mogul said that he spoke to the teams coach Vinnie Del Negro who agreed to stay on after Hefner told him that he would give him a 10 percent raise and let him visit the Playboy Mansion in Holmby Hills whenever he wishes.
Hef spoke with the team's star player Blake Griffin and assured him that he would not be trading him and in fact told him that he would be building the team around him. Blake reportedly got so excited he actually started talking in tongues.
Griffin who won the 2011 NBA Slam Dunk Contest by jumping over a silver Kia quickly ran outside of his home and jumped over his 2011 red Lamborghini that was parked in his driveway.
Hefner was asked about the Clippers cheerleaders. He said that he was going to replace all of them with Playboy Playmates. He then added that he will actually be keeping four of the Clippers cheerleaders, Mandi, Jocelyn, Andi, and Anasheh, whom he said look very much like his Playboy Playmates.
Hefner pointed out that for the coming season the Clippers will continue playing their home games at the Staples Center in Los Angeles until he can build a brand new state-of-the-art arena in Avocado Heights.