Written by Rebel Not Taken
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 24 June 2011

image for Andre Villas-Boas outed as Pikey crook

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has been scammed by a Pikey conman.

The billionaire was duped into believing he had recruited top Portuguese knob Andre Villas-Boas as the next Chelsea manager.

Senor Villas-Boas, who is the great grandson of the First Viscount of Guilhomil, signed a multi million pound contract after being entertained on the Russian's yacht in St Tropez last week.

But it transpires that the man masquerading as the aristocratic Porto FC football manager is a crude imposter.

His real name is Terry Nonce and he is a nothing more than a low life chancer from Shepherd's Bush.

Terry the Pikey, who bears an uncanny resemblence to the swarthy Andre Villas-Boas, is a local loser who drinks in the Cash In Claw Public House.

Nonce's uncle, bookmaker Manny 'Rough' Diamond, told a punter:

"It was money for old rope. All Terry had to do was dye his barnet ginger and carry a dossier around. He got a monkey up front from the Village Idiot".

John Terry, who is not related to Terry Nonce, claims he sussed out Senor Nonce was not the polished article after his first training session. The astute Chelsea captain told Sky News:

"The new manager asked to have a go with Ashley Cole's air rifle. Then he took us down the King's Road and got us pissed out of our brains on Dom Perignon".

Didier Drogba also had reservations about Andre Villas-Boas' tactical knowledge. The Ivory Coast front man spoke about his first meeting with the highly regarded coach:

"He asked me what it was like to shag Africans".

Frank Lampard, a Mensa member and probably Chelsea's most intelligent player, finally blew the whistle on Andre Villas-Boas, aka Terry Nonce. The well spoken footballer tweeted Chelsea Pensioner Ray Wilkins:

"Our new Portuguese manager doesn't speak a word of Spanish. His English ain't too clever either".

One of Abramovich's senior advisers, U Fukov, has told reporters:

"That dopey Pikey turned out to be a complete bell end. But he still might be our best bet to win The Champion's League".

Make Rebel Not Taken's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Stop - Warning

The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature.

This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

To confirm you have acknowledged this warning, and wish to continue to read the article, please click the following link.



Otherwise, please click here to go back to the home page.




Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 5?

2 5 25 18
57 readers are online right now!

Go to top