Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 24 June 2011

image for Wimbledon Grunting Blamed For Tourette's Outbreak (Parental Advisory - Contains Swearing)
Arse Fuck!

Other than being extremely annoying, the constant grunting of tennis players at this year's Wimbledon tennis championships may have far wider implications.

Shit!

Social observers have noticed a marked increase in antisocial grunting, swearing, and inappropriate remarks delivered in a staccato manner.

Fuck!

This phenomenon is usually quite rare in everyday life, but inexplicably appears to reach an unprecedented peak during every Wimbledon fortnight, as people mimic the behaviour of the competitors on court.

Wankers!

It's usually around this time of year that people begin to imitate the tennis players, by either grunting, spitting out curses, or behaving with vocal impropriety.

Bastard!

Previous theories have attributed the blame for this bizarre set of behaviours on the unseasonably warm, yet wet weather, hay fever, sunspot activity, climate change, food additives, and any number of external factors, but the reality seems to lie much closer to home.

Arse Licker!

It's the tennis players.

Oily Buttock Scrunch!

When quizzed about this, former ladies singles champion, Maria Sharapova, explained that the unseemly grunting is a sudden exhalation of held in breath, which oxygenates the blood in order to bring maximum power to the muscles, and is excreted in the form of a loud grunting, or screeching sound.

Bollocks!

International Tennis Federation officials admitted that the grunting and screeching was rather unladylike, or ungentlemanly, but there was nothing in the rules that prohibited such behaviour, and with all that prize money at stake, the players are unlikely to cease and desist any time soon.

Cheesy Bell End!

Which is alright for them to say, but not much use to the millions of ordinary citizens who aren't glued to non-stop TV coverage of fucking Wimbledon, but still have to tolerate schoolkids getting on buses shouting "Shit-cunt-wanker!" at the top of their voices.

Because that's bollocks, that is.

More as we bollocking well get it.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 4 plus 4?

2 17 8 11
78 readers are online right now!

Go to top