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Friday, 24 June 2011

image for Police And Environmental Health Called In Over Maria Sharapova's Wimbledon Screeching
Aaaarrggh! Hnnnnngg! Yaahhhh! Aaaargh! - Fifteen Love!

Police and Environmental Health Officers interrupted today's proceedings on Wimbledon's Number One Court, where Russian former champion, Maria Sharapova was playing Great Britain's 17 year old hopeful, Laura Robson in a ladies singles match.

The officials responded to a number of emergency calls from locals in the Wimbledon area, variously claiming that a female was either suffering a serious and sustained physical assault, or that window frames in nearby blocks of flats were rattling due to excessive noise levels.

The source of the racket (no pun intended) was quickly determined to be the leggy, blonde, Russian tennis ace, who observers revealed to be emitting a sound more closely equated with a pig being stabbed with a spear, than a lady tennis ace - every time she hit the ball.

Following a quick word with Environmental Health Officers and two policemen, it was decided that no further action was necessary, and that Sharapova would be allowed to continue playing the tennis contest, with a proviso that she not play after 8pm in such a manner, as it would probably prove distressing to locals and television viewers alike.

Local man, Nobby Clarke had this to say:

"It sounded like someone was being murdered most horrible. A ghastly screeching sound it was. Enough to wake the bleedin' dead - Gawd rest 'em. I'm glad the ladies only play three sets, because it took me half an hour to coax the dog back out from under the sideboard as it was."

Sharapova's vanquished opponent, Laura Robson said she'd be going home for a quiet lie down, although she'll probably have nightmares over the Sharapova screeching for weeks to come.

Sharapova won the match 7-6 6-3.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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