Mayhem broke out in North London when members of the Health And Safety Executive declared Arsenal Football Club's Emirates Stadium 'structurally unsound, inherently unsafe,' and 'liable to imminent collapse when filled to capacity.'
The shocking news, which surfaced yesterday, at about tea time, caused consternation among the club's directors. It's been six years since Arsenal last won a major trophy, prompting accusations from supporters that the club were putting a greater value on ticket sales than they were on performances on the pitch.
Many people felt that the Arsenal had sold out, sacrificing success in pursuit of money, and the Emirates Stadium has been regarded as a blessing, combined with a curse. It can be seen as a blessing because Arsenal's crowd capacity has increased from 38,000 in the old Highbury days, to around 60,000 at the Emirates, which essentially means that tickets for home games are more accessible, but the down side kicks in when the stadium has to be paid for, and the club can't compete with the global big guns in the transfer market.
Now, it appears that the strategy has backfired disastrously, as the Arsenal try to fend off bids from rival clubs for high profile players such as Cesc Fabregas, Samir Nasri and Theo Walcott, while their home stadium crumbles and falls around their ears.
In what can only be viewed as an unmitigated policy disaster for the club, construction expert Bob De Biwdah opined:
"The club got it all horribly wrong. This is what happens when developers cut corners. The ground underneath the Emirates Stadium is like a honeycomb, or a Swiss cheese, or something with holes all over the place. It's like building a tower block on mud. The whole structure is unstable, and will probably have to be demolished. The Emirates Stadium makes the Leaning Tower Of Pizza look perfect. It's just a disaster waiting to happen."
Arsenal team boss Arsene Wenger admitted that he certainly didn't see this one coming, but advised that it isn't the end of the world just yet.
"We can't move back to Highbury," he admitted. "Because it is all flats and stuff now. But zere is a chance zat ve can purchase Upton Park from West Ham, or enter into a groundsharing agreement viz 'Arry Redknapp at Tottingham. One sing is for sure though, I shall not be going cap in hand to Roman Abramovich. He is miserable bastard. Failing all else, ve could always consider a move to Milton Keynes, or Basingstoke. Whatever 'appens, ze Arsenal vill be playing pretty football next season, and in all probability winning fuck all. As usual."
More as we get it.