Written by Rebel Not Taken
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Friday, 17 June 2011

image for Lord Nonce in Royal Ascot punch up with Pikey

Lord Humphrey Nonce QC was left cursing his bad luck at Royal Ascot yesterday.

The 'Sporting Judge', who part owns a leg of the game filly Kinky Afro, watched as the nag pulled up short in The Buckingham Palace Stakes over 7 Furlongs.

With the going good to soft, Kinky Afro failed to respond after coming under the whip from her mount Frankie Pikey.

Judge Nonce, who had 'worked his way through the card' in the Champagne bar, was not best pleased with the ride and was heard to shout "Pikey you are a useless cretin" as the jockey returned to the paddock with his tail between his legs.

But the horse was not the only beast sweating up badly as a passing gypsy, who later claimed to have "lost a monkey on Kinky Afro"assumed Humphrey Nonce's glass eye was fixed on his boat race and took exception to the remark.

The ruffian showed a quick turn of foot and replied: "Don't call me a Pikey you Nonce."

To which the partly sozzled Judge gave his own riposte: "It's Mr Nonce to you my good man".

In the ensuing ding dong Sir Humphrey Nonce received a punch up the bracket which dislodged his glass eye.

To cap it all he also failed a drugs test and had his purse confiscated.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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