Only a week after star driver Kyle Busch narrowly escaped a brutal beating at the hands of senior citizen Richard Childress, NASCAR has mandated the installation of shotgun racks in all race vehicles.
"We've got to give our drivers the tools they need to protect themselves, and I'm not talking about a Craftsman socket set," said NASCAR director of security Rick Chops. "There's nothing like the presence of a Browning pump action to settle an argument before the fists begin to fly."
The new regulation, known as the Chill Childress Rule, also calls on drivers to wear ammo belts at all times while at the track. It further mandates that they sharpen their aim by shooting traps at least once a week. Miller beer bottles will be substituted for clay pigeons.
Unlike other regulations proposed by NASCAR in recent years, this one was enthusiastically supported by drivers and car owners alike.
"If that old man tries to lay a finger on me again, I'll be able to blow his brains out," said Kyle Busch. "And I'd like to thank Browning, M&Ms, Mars candy, and Interstate Batteries for giving me the opportunity to do so."
"Now I can take care of Brad Kieslowski without tearing up all that equipment," said Carl Edwards. "Damn, I hate to destroy good race cars just to get back at another driver. Thanks NASCAR, for understanding what we need to clean up the sport."
"I remember when they used to let us bring cigarettes to the track," said car owner Roger Penske. "I think at the end of the day, shotguns are much more powerful."
NASCAR's Rick Chops added that if the shotguns work out, the sanctioning body will consider equipping the race cars with missile systems. "That might not calm things down, but it will sure make lead changes much more exciting."