The Philadelphia Eagles have signed a new receiver to replace suspended starter and big mouthed bad boy Terrell Owens. Team officials announced today that The Burger King will start at the position for their Monday Night Football game against their hated rival, the Dallas Cowboys."
Assistant Coach Bubba Tailgate announced that "We done signed that King feller who catches and intercepts all them balls in them burger commercials and does them really good end zone dances. We ain't got no idear who he played fer, but he kin sure catch footballs and score touchdowns, and that's what we need right now."
The King replaces Terrell Owens against the team that Owens hated most. Said Tailgate, "He done disrespected them a few years ago by dancing on their Texas Star in the middle of the field when he got a touchdown. Don't nobody deserve that nonsense. We hate these guys, but we respect them as players and as men."
Owens has publicly apologized for his negative remarks and comments directed towards everyone in the known universe, including Donavon McNabb (Eagle's starting quarterback) and his mother. Said Mrs. McNabb, "I ain't servin' that boy none of my Chunky Soup if they let him back on the field, not after what he said about my son."
When asked if they had tried to sign any other receivers, Assistant Team Personnel Director Mitch Cupcakes answered that, "Jerry Rice is older than most of our coaching staff, so we didn't consider him. We understand that a few cheerleaders got a few passes thrown their way down in Florida last week, but they were mostly from other women, so we avoided them. The guys we cut in training camp couldn't catch a cold in January in Alaska, so we didn't call them back. Basically, it was the King or bring back Terrell. We went with the safer bet."
The team plans to hand out free cardboard crowns to all children before the next home game. Whoppers have also been added to the concession stands menu and advertising from Wendys and McDonalds were removed from the scoreboard as part of the new player contract with their new wide receiver.