Wayne Rooney has confirmed that he is recovering from having had a brain transplant.
The Man Utd and England striker announced through his agent that he had had a 3 day operation in an exclusive Harley Street clinic after being given an ultimatum by his club manager Sir Alex Ferguson.
"The told me that, if my on and off the field behaviour didn't show a marked improvement in the coming season, he would consider selling me on to the likes of West Ham or, even worse, Liverpool.
"The prospect of either of these things happening really freaked me out and finally convinced me that something radical had to be done".
Last season Rooney's foul mouth tirade in front of the cameras, as well as his almost walking out on the eventual Premiership winners, were symptomatic of the player's troubled psyche so surgeons have replaced the Scouser's former malfunctioning organ with the brain of a former University academic.
Although it will be 3 weeks before Rooney can be seen out again in public, he has confirmed through his agent that initial signs are very promising.
"Although I've only been home for 24 hours, I've already finished reading Dr Zhivago and am close to tracing the Higgs Bosun particle.
"I would have solved all the mysteries of the universe by now if Coleen hadn't insisted on me watching the final of Britain's Got Talent with her last night".