All the talk about Her Majesty The Queen's horse, Carlton House, being the favourite to win the Derby inspired Derby man, Jason Bourne, to take his family into Derby to see the Derby.
Having loaded the wife and three kids into the family hatchback, Bourne drove into town and parked the vehicle in a multi-storey car park. Following a rapid descent to ground level in a lift, the family then went to a town centre McDonald's to await the much publicised Derby classic horse race.
Fortified by cheeseburgers, coffee and milkshakes, the family then went for a leisurely stroll, eagerly anticipating the classic horse race.
"I was really disappointed," Jason Bourne revealed. "We didn't see any horses at all, and there wasn't a top hat to be seen. It was just the usual thing - you know, people doing a bit of shopping, kids messing about, single mums belting squawking kids to stop them crying and only making them cry even louder, some bloke flogging the Big Issue, and a bunch of tramps drinking Special Brew down by the bus station. No horses though."
Jason's wife, Frances was said to be fuming at her husband's innate stupidity:
"I told him that they don't run the Derby in Derby," she told reporters. "Everybody knows that. They run it in Epsom, which is down south, somewhere near Land's End. He wouldn't listen though. He really is a thick twat. He used to leave the front door key in the door - on the outside. Said, that way he'd never get locked out. After the 76th burglary, the daft bastard eventually came around to my way of thinking. What a waste of a day."
More as we get it.