Written by P.M. Wortham
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Thursday, 2 June 2011

image for Canadian Heart Association Pleads for Stanley Cup Win

Several sitting board members of the Canadian Heart Association well aware of increased incidents of heart attack during highly stressful events, pleads with the NHL Officials Association to make the Stanley Cup Finals "Canadian Fair".

Taking the position that a Boston loss in the finals would only increase heart health issues for that relatively small population, the CHA asserts that a Vancouver loss in the finals would impact the entire country.

"At this time of year, there's nothing else for Canadians to look forward to", says CHA Board Chairman, Dr. Angie O'Plasty. "Football and Curling seasons don't start for months, and Baseball? Please. It's all about hockey at this time of year, and our overweight armchair sports fanatics are prime candidates for heart trouble. Consuming five or six Bradors, nachos with cheese, a couple of hot dogs, a bag of potato chips and then an overtime loss? We'll see you in the emergency room".

Boston fans are less than willing to go along with Canada's sympathy tactic. "Hey, we've been waiting for a Stanley Cup win heah for moah than foawty years. I got just as much of a right to pull a championship tee shirt out of my top draw, while I go out to pock my kaa", says Bruins fan, Miss Inga Toothe.

The NHL Officials Association would not comment on any plans to favor one team or the other, apart from saying that they would keep the games as "Fair as humanly possible", but with the understanding that they still need to be able to clear Canadian Customs in order to leave the country.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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