Written by queen mudder
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Wednesday, 1 June 2011

image for 'Hold Those Derby Bets!' - astrologers warn as Sport of Kings stymied by King of the Gods
Carlton House (r) most likely will break a fetlock and have to be out down according to sensational zodiac aspects...

Epsom - The Queen's runner Carlton House is whors de combat tonight ahead of shifting starry patterns before the big race.

Antepost punters were already wary this morning as news of its sprained ankle took the market by storm.

Now the rapidly cooling red-hot Derby favorite is up against a changing astrological tide.

This sees the zodiac's great benefic planet Jupiter move signs in little over one hour before the great race.

That imminent allegiance switch has Carlton House friendless in the market as a bout of sudden onset lameness puts the kybosh up his 5/4 favoritism.

Spreadbetting agents Aintgottaprayer.con said today they are taking seriously the Jupiter movement - given its rulership of immense wealth, royalty, riches, supreme good fortune and the Sport of Kings.

At 14.56BST this Saturday the planet departs its Aries transit and enters Taurus, the zodiac's sign of the Bull*****er.

A surge of late money is expected on the betting exchanges as Jupiter's entrance stresses new confidence - and doubtlessly new scams.

Of course Carlton House may also benefit by such zodiac realignment - although he won't be declared for the race until Friday morning.

As we went to press tonight Newmarket vets were still debating his participation despite their decision being likely to either make or break antepost punters' throbbing hearts.

Seasoned astrologers however are reminding the betting public that Friday's announcement coincides with Mercury, planet of communication, getting into a massive tussle with illusion-peddling Neptune at 8.07BST that morning.

Worse still that celestial encounter then propels Neptune reeling headlong into retrograde motion some 20 minutes later.

"Something sensational could grab the headlines and rain on Carlton House's pre-parade," the Aintgottaprayer.con site added.

"Still, at least he won't have that tosser Kieren Fallon on his back, heheh."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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