Manchester United has announced that they have traded their entire roster to the United States for Barack Obama and the US Congress.
"I just simply have had it with all the headaches that these prima donnas have given me", stated a relieved Sir Alex Ferguson at a news conference. "Every time they piss me off I throw things at them: Bananas, pizza, tomatoes and nasty innuendos. You name it, if I get my hands on something, I throw it at them".
"I finally got so fed up with them that I just went ahead and threw them all across the pond".
"I got a call yesterday from an American organization called the Federal Undertaking of Canceling Known Undesirables (FUCKU), who told me that they just simply wanted to get rid of a whole bunch of undesirables and suggested a trade. Hell, when I heard what they were offering I was absolutely ecstatic. Man, how could I turn it down? I mean, I am the greatest manager in English history. I can make any group of guys into champions. That is how good I am".
It was, also, disclosed that Barack Obama had already arrived at Manchester United's practice field this morning via Air Force One. A Manchester United insider mentioned that Obama is in exceptional physical condition and did an early morning workout to display his skills.
"He has to work on his dribbling a bit", the insider told the press. "Right now he keeps picking the ball up and bouncing it with his hands and asking: 'Where is the hoop?'. But, not to worry. We will have him up to speed in no time. I hear he is a fast learner".
In the meantime, a spokesman for FUCKU stated: "We traded for the United players because we felt the way they work as a team would allow them to finally come up with a budget, which is something Congress just could not do. After arriving this morning we brought them to the Capital and they became quickly acclimated".
"It was strange because after about ten minutes of debating, 45 percent of the players said the budget crisis should be solved by raising taxes. Another 45 percent argued that the budget crisis should be solved by cutting spending. The remaining 10 percent argued for hiring witches and warlocks to come to the Capital and get rid of the bad spirits and to turn anyone they did not like into a newt".
"You know, for some odd reason I get the feeling that I've seen this all before".
When asked when Congress would arrive in Manchester, the spokesman answered:
"Well, due to the fact that Congress could not come up with a budget, travel funds have been greatly depleted. We could only afford to send them to Manchester by sea."
"In a leaky boat".