Written by wadenelson
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Topics: Cheerleaders, Video

Tuesday, 8 November 2005

TAMPEX, Fla. - Two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested after having sex in a restroom stall were caught on video by one of the irritated patrons waiting to pee. The patron, sporting a Nikon Coolpix 5100, recorded approximately 3 minutes of video of the pair, including the exciting "final moments." The slightly grainy, oft-out-of-focus video (panthersluts.wmv) rapidly became the #1 file shared on the Internet, despite the camera's "memory stick" being given to police as "evidence." "Evidently someone leaked the video said Sherrif Les Beau.

Despite the only medium quality of the video, the tape, including a lot of panting, moaning, and an almost unbelieveable "Oh God! Oh God" Big-O scene with one of the cheerleaders legs kicking the toilet paper roller completely off the stall wall is, according to several professional video examiners in the Spoof newsroom, "highly erotic."

Renee Thomas, 20, of Pittsboro, N.C., and Angela Keathley, 26, of Belmont, N.C., were both taken to Hillsborough County Jail early Sunday, and strip-searched by eager deputies. Both came up clean -- licked clean, according to one deputy eager to describe the booking, while another munched on some "Finger Lickin' Good" fried chicken.

Exactly what crime the cheerleaders were or will be charged with, other than perhaps, obstruction of urine, no one can be sure. But one thing is for sure, both girls have earned a well deserved spot in Playboy magazine and accessto the Mansion, under a title such as "The Panther Grrls who Purred..."

Panthers spokesman Charlie Getsome said that while the team "actively recruits highly sexual women" for the cheerleader positions, a couple of ahh, you knows, isn't what your typical Panther fans want -- quickly adding, "Not that there's anything wrong with that."

"Every red-blooded male in the stands daydreams about hooking up with one of our girls, wearing their skimpy cheerleader outfits and miniscule underwear." says Getsome. "Discovering they're playing for the other team kinda ruins that thought. Unless they're bi, of course, or just "experimenting" with girl:girl sex. I'll have to ask the guy who interviews all the cheerleaders, "Big Frank in the front office."

Thomas reportedly gave officers a driver's license belonging to another Panthers cheerleader, in an case of trying to make someone else look like an idiot. Which cheerleader is actually lesbian "Can't be determined at this time" according to officers. "But the other women waiting to pee sure got irritated. Talk about catty! Calling the cops because the bathroom is busy?? I'm surprised nobody took a swing at anyone with their purse, or hair pulling and scratching didn't break out."

Police, who were busy fantasizing about the entire incident reportedly released Thomas before they realized she was using a fake ID. These apaprently are the same police that let serial murderer Charlie Thomas walk out of jail a week ago, or close relatives.

Detectives were trying to determine how Thomas was able to perform a 69 with Keathly in the extremely cramped stall. A CSI-style re-enactment, is scheduled for Tuesday. Unfortunately Marge Helenberger won't be in the re-enactment, to the dissapointment of fans who "Like to watch."

The prospect of getting secretly videotaped when one has sex in the privacy of a public restaurant restroom stall was called into question by the ACLU. The spokesperson, Rod Wanker, said he'd have to "study the tape" before making any determination if civil liberties were taken by either girl.

The Panthers cheerleaders are well known for their sexy moves, bumping, grinding and headlight bouncing moves on the sidelines. Now that their sexual appetite is no longer in question (having apparently chosen chicken over beef) one wonders why they didn't audition for the LPGA or professional women's tennis instead of the Panthers.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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