Despite the continuing scandal of corruption allegations in FIFA, President Sepp Blatter is set to be crowned President in an unopposed election on Wednesday.
Speaking from his Zurich mansion, surrounded by nubile concubines, and smoking a "Behike" cigar, (each box includes forty expensive cigars and allegedly retails for around $18,846, or $420 for each smoke), Blatter opined, "It has nothing to do with me. I'm Sepp Blatter."
Fifa, with a £2.5billion revenue between 2007 and 2010, and a £380million profit, has been left mired in a stench of corruption so deep it offends the entire world. And it seems there is nothing we can do about it. Blatter has kept himself in office, more entrenched every year by doling out millions in football development money.
Blatter, resplendent in Diamond Tiara and FIFA blazer (£350 cash advance for every day FIFA executives are wearing their blazers - no receipts, no questions), puffed assuredly as he parried questions.
"Look, I'm not Black or Arab, I'm Sepp Blatter. The fact that I have a Mansion in Russia doesn't mean I have been in receipt of stuffed envelopes. That is so third-world."
The interview was terminated abruptly with the news that Vladimir Putin was at the front door.