Written by TomFoolery
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Topics: Future, Philadelphia

Sunday, 6 November 2005

PHILADELPHIA-NFL Eagles fallen star running back Terrell Owens' forced public apology to teammates after maligning QB Donovan McNabb put the gridiron world on its ear and placed a large ominous question mark over the future of T.O., dubbed ‘Terminally Obnoxious' by fans, his teammates, the NFL as a whole, the media and even people who couldn't care less. The big question is WHY. ScoopNews has the exclusive answer the world so avidly seeks: It's all Brett Favre's fault. Or is it??

Eagles locker room attendant Jacque Sniphah claims to have overheard several telephone conversations between the aging, faltering Packer QB and self-proclaimed pretty boy T.O. hatching a plot with the dual purpose of bumping up public opinion amid Favre's first career losing season and aggrandizing the under appreciated, holier-than-McNabb Owens. Looking past over the season so far, looks like Owens didn't have to go long for what Favre threw to him. "Mr. Diamond Earrings" allegedly has signed a poison Packer pact with the fading Favre.

Now that he has at least one week to reflect on his latest antic, Owens has carelessly left a few bits of evidence of what he's contemplating. A scratchpad left in Terrell's locker has pages and pages of doodles of large Gs and GBs in green and yellow. That, coupled the Green Bay city map and real estate guide found nearby, are significant clues. Speculation has erupted over just how much power Favre wields with the Packers. Can his fading performance be trumped by the power of his tenure with the team? And, does the level of Brett's influence extend to actually making offers to other players in the league? Time will undoubtedly tell.

The biggest mystery of all, though, is how Owens can honestly believe the Brett OR the Packers would have anything to do with him after what he did to McNabb and the Eagles. ScoopNews, again, comes through with the truth beyond the egos and the word wars. As it turns out, whether T.O. EVER plays football again, either for the Eagles, the Packers or any other team, doesn't really matter. Owens has been acting cheesy for good reason: he's addicted to Wisconsin cheese. Regrettably, Terrell's an inveterate cheesehead.

Owens' addiction to the decidedly delectable dairy products have taken complete control of the ill-fated football phenom. He's been consuming such vast quantities of the stuff that it has obviously started to affect his mental faculties. Consequently, shipping costs and delivery delays have compelled Terrell to ‘get closer to the source' of the irresistibility of Wisconsin's ‘dairy drug.'

So, one single word determines whether Terrell Owens is a man or a mouse: CHEESE.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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