Written by Skoob1999
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 27 May 2011

image for Local Man In A Right Two And Eight Over Upcoming Man Utd Match
He Can't Take It Any More! (Picture is of somebody better looking than Shuttlecock.)

Concerns were raised today over the fragile mental state of local man, Salford born, Martin Shuttlecock. Who is said to be in a complete state of mental fugue, as tomorrow's Champions League Final between Shuttlecock's beloved Manchester United, and the city slickers from Barcelona draws steadily closer.

Sources described the hapless (and frequently hopeless) Shuttlecock, as being agitated, fidgety, and completely at a loss as to what to do with himself.

All he can think about is tomorrow's match. Sources close to Shuttlecock are reporting that he is so confused, that this morning he got up, shaved his head, combed his face, crapped in the sink, brushed his tooth in the lavatory pan, put his trousers over his head, and stuck his shirt up his arse.

The latest news is that he's decided to have a beer or twenty, in order to self medicate into a state of serenity. Or at least something approaching it.

"He always gets like this," long suffering wife Anne told us. "He's not one of those arrogant Man united fans from South Wales, or South Korea, or wherever. He's a proper Manc, (Salfordian actually - Ed) from Lower Broughton, and United mean the world to him. He's quite a good sport actually - never slow to acknowledge when United get beat by a better team. The silly bastard. I think he's scared that they'll lose tomorrow. He really is a daft bastard. It's just that United thing. In his blood it is. I'll hit him with me stick when I get home. A good fight might take the daft sod's mind off it."

A nice thought, but it probably won't work.

In related news, Shuttlecock revealed that there is no way he's shelling out ten grand for a black market ticket, considering it only used to cost £6.50 in the Stretford Paddock back in the days when United were really shit. Under Dave Sexton.

"He's a masochist," Anne explained. "It comes with the territory when you're a United fan. He'll always be a daft bastard though. I don't think I'll ever knock that out of him. No matter how hard or often I hit him."

Indeed.

More as we get it.

Make Skoob1999's day - give this story five thumbs-up (there's no need to register, the thumbs are just down there!)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!

Print this


Share/Bookmark

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Email:

What's 1 multiplied by 3?

9 7 13 3

Go to top