Kolo Toure, Manchester City's Ivory Coast defender, will have to sit out the start of next season after being handed a six-month ban from football for failing a drugs test. The ban is to be back-dated to 2 March, so that there is minimal inconvenience to the player.
Toure took the drugs because he didn't want to get fat, like his wife.
Toure's wife suffers from extreme obesity, and takes water tablets for her condition. Her husband necked a couple of them because he was scared of becoming portly like her. This was in contravention of Regulation 3 of the FA Doping Regulations 2010-11.
"This has been a difficult period, and I am extremely sad to have missed the team's magnificent triumph of securing Champions League football and the FA Cup, although I am pleased not to be fat like our lass."
He went on:
"I am relieved that I will be able to return to football in September and thank the FA's commission for their appalling gullibilty."