Written by Jaggedone
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Wednesday, 25 May 2011

image for Mourinho offers Sir Alex his secret tactics after beating Barcelona in the Spanish Cup final, "kick the shit out of them!"
"Kick the crap out of them, but make sure nobodie's are watching;" very difficult tactics!

The build up to Saturday's epic Champions League Final is hottening up and every famous or infamous commentator is giving Sir Alex advice in how to stop Barcelona and especially Argentinian super-dribbler, Messi (he still dribbles because his mummy gives him his bot-bot every evening before tucking him in).

Ex-Wimbledon thug cum footballer cum bum actor, Vinny Jones, has told Sir Alex to do a Wimbledon, long ball forward, kick and rush, kick everything on the way and hope for the best in true Wimbledon style.

Ex-United hero, Roy Keane, offered to put his boots on once again because he would love to bite Messi's legs, Sir Alex thanked Roy, but sniggered behind his back, Roy's a has-been.

The real King of Old Trafford, Mon Dieu, alias Messr Cantona, offered the obvious, "Kung Fu ze rascal, step on his belly and make sure you do it when the ref's not looking, allez!

Sir Alex has ignored all of these tips, but did admit to liking José Mourinho's "special one tactics", he suggested, "just kick the shit out of them, give the ball to Rooney, he'll pass it to Chicharito and game over, but first you must solve the biggest problem; getting near enough to kick the crap out of them?"

Sir Alex will implement a mixture out of Mourinho's tactics and his own: He will hunt them in packs, surround them, nick the ball off of them, boot it forward and while the refs ball-watching making sure Chicharito is not offside, he'll stick the boot in, Scholes'y is excellent at that!

And may the best team win as long as it's United!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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