The NFL Security Office pledged today to 'take seriously' a threat by the Football Players Union that their former members, who allegedly "disbanded" , may be forced to return to a life of crime if they don't get back on the payroll!
The threat of increased crime was tweeted by a disgruntled star player who has had his bi-weekly checks cancelled, along with 1696 other players who averaged $770,000 in salary not including perks, endorsement revenue, but before alimony and paternity suit payouts.
"It's true, that, " said a Baltimore Neighborhood Crime Watch Captain, identified only as
"When the NFL is on Sunday, Thursday night, and Monday night, we knock off our guards.No need of wasting money...nothing ever happens. We even tested it. Left a fully loaded black Cadillac Escalade with the 22" wheels, gold trim, and hot tub out in the street...with the motor running! It was out of gas, naturally in the morning, but nobody touched it!"
As an after thought Fred noted that Soccer (football) on the other hand when on TV leads to the worst crime nights claiming "..I guess the Boyz in the Hood just don't dig Soccer!"
Reports are also flooding in that NFL stars are appearing at government centers applying for food stamps, free cell phones, heating oil allowances, and methadone.
The NFL Health 'n Mental Safety Commission said they will be beefing up counseling sessions, will offer free hypnosis to 'crime addicted' players, but admit recidivism is running about 98%.
Said Program Counselor Dr. Percy Higginbotham, " the good Lord knows we try, but it's hard to break old habits once these guys get a taste of the REAL BIG MONEY!"