Following the furore over a widely known un-named, married premiership footballer, who paid £50,000 to a lawyer in order that his name could not be revealed to 3% of the worlds population, following an alleged dalliance with a highly respectable, shy, non-attention seeking Welsh Lady: It has been realised that none of the current Premiership clubs will be able to play any further matches using their best players.
This is due to the inability of the managers to name players on their team sheet who may be physically capable of having an affair, and who unknown to them may have taken out legal proceedings in order to prevent them being named.
"It's very frustrating", said Manchester Rovers boss Fergus Alexson. "I daren't say anyone's name in case it happens to be one of my players who is involved in a scandal that nobody is allowed to know about. Not that any of my players would be of course.
"The current scoundrel probably plays for Stoke Town or Portsmouth Wednesday. Unfortunately, when I submit the team sheet for the game against Provisional Toromolinos. I will have to name players that are untouched by potential scandal.
"At the moment, the only name down for the game is Bobby Charlton, and that's only because I know that he can't stand the sight of the Welsh".